Duke's Excellent Adventure!: A Soviet Experience, and a Medieval Experience

Friday, September 7, 2012
Tallinn, Estonia

It's my last day in Tallinn, Estonia, and I'm pretty upset about it. This has been my favorite stop so far. The archery range, the bike tour, the Medieval town, the beautiful people...there's just no other place like it, and today is my last day.

So, I saved the two best things for last.

The Soviet Experience.

Probably the best shore excursion available to take. The man who is your guide grew up in Estonia while it was under Soviet Control, and he takes you around the city and gives you a first hand account of what it was like to live in those times.

The subject matter and true stories are so heavy, that the guide lightens the atmosphere by keeping everything as tongue and cheek as possible. Here he is in his military outfit addressing his new subjects, YOU.

Attention!

After marching us around in circles for a few minutes, he puts us onto the bus, and we are off. However, it's not long before the premium soviet technology breaks down, and all the men are ordered out of the vehicle to push.

And then we have to crank the bus.

It's not a real soviet experience without being shit on by those in charge.

And then we're finally on our way.

He's so nice to us. He just turned on the Soviet Air Conditioner.

It's good to be prepared for any kind of attack.

Time to pay tribute to our fearless Soviet leader of Estonia.

Vodka break!

(Shot of Vodka, Rye Bread, and a Pickle)

This lady was picked to be 2nd in command for the day.

Here is the Soviet Prison today. Still standing.

Let me tell you a little bit of what it was like to grow up under the iron curtain: Your mother and father would be talking about something that you didn't really understand, but you pick up that they're not happy about the government. Your teacher asks you all one day to write down the television shows you watch as a family. Another day, as an assignment, your teacher has you write down what your mother and father talked about last night. One night next week, you come home from school, and your father is missing, and your mother is crying. And you won't realize until many years later that it's because you reported them.

The stasi (secret police) wove so many webs, that it was impossible to trust anyone. Everyone was assigned to spy on a few other people, and if you did not report, you would get into trouble. And trouble was something you didn't come back from.

Trouble made you a nearly permanent resident of this building.

It may be run down and in ruins, but I probably never looked any better to begin with.

In Soviet times, there was only one hotel that was allowed to house foreigners. Here it is, the Hotell Viru. So, why this hotel? Because this hotel had floors that were completely wired for surveillance.

Soviet Big Brother is watching your everything.

After telling many personal stories and driving by a few sites like that hotel, our guide took us to a museum dedicated to the Soviet Era.

I'm seeing a lot of red.

The museum was not fun. It wasn't meant to be.

Number 1 and Number 2

It's a peculiar thing, preserving something that you hate. This is all still too recent for them. They don't want any of the old soviet statues standing, but they know they shouldn't get rid of them. So, their home is out back behind the museum.

After all this, everyone was a little down, so our guide lightened our moods on the way back to the ship, by breaking out his guitar and teaching us "Kashushka."

And then we had some Kali.

Our guide left us with a funny story about the Coca Cola company. Everyone in Estonia grew up with this drink, "Kali." It pretty much tastes like liquid rye bread (it's not good to the American palate, not good at all). Nevertheless, one day, Coke comes into town and tries to take over, but the people of Estonia stick to what they like. So, the Coke people try to create their own version, but the people of Estonia remain stubborn. So take a wild freaking guess what Coke does.

Coke buys the entire Kali company, so that they could be the ones to sell Kali to the Estonias.

So that was my super awesome 2 hour Soviet Experience Tour, but I still had some time left before sail away, and I had left a note for the Cunninhams to let them know that I was going to sprint to the Olde Hansa for lunch as soon as my tour was finished. And that's exactly what I did!

The Medieval Experience

Before leaving on my trip, my friend Spencer Cox said to me, "You have to eat at the Olde Hansa." So I put that down as the one thing I would absolutely make sure that I did. And here I am, doing it.

First of all, it's in the middle of Old Town. If you've read my other blog posts, you're already familiar with this. So, let's just get right to it.

Tbe Cunninghams!

Right outside the Olde Hansa, you can get these really sweet nuts. This girl is constantly stirring almonds in a cauldron with brown sugar and spices. They're incredible. In fact I still have a bag, and I'm still eating them. Just a little bit here and there. I'm going to be bummed when I run out, because I like to share them. People have told me that my sweet nuts are some of the best things they've ever put in their mouths. Thanks, Estonia!